I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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