I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
