i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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