my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
