ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
