he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
