I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
