no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
