So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
