Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's just like the Real World with babies
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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