we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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