I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
