i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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