he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
