I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
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I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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