We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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