It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
