Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
