I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
