She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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