You made me cry and you don't even care
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
