Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
