apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
