you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
