And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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