The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
love makes seman taste better
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
