I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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