So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
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It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
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So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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