So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
