I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
