My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
