i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
