Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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