This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
