Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
