I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
