So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
