Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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