i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
