She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
