...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
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his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
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I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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