I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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