your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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