i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
