It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
