Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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