i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
