what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
