Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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