wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
