cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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