A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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