Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
