so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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