I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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