I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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