wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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