Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
