Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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