Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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