My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
