Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
