Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
