i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
