Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
