even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
